There's a star that sits in the early evening sky to the left of the moon but just a little higher. You may have noticed it before from where you are, and if you haven't you might look tonight when the world goes dark and really see it for the very first time. It's always been there, from the beginning of time, you just never 'saw' it before, with eyes that now have the knowledge of it being there.
The night before Tasha died I had a sense of anxiety that took my breath away. I didn't know why but I prayed for all who came to my mind. Until sleep took me back. The knowing that something was coming didn't make the event any easier when it came. I didn't know who the fear was for and I couldn't tell you now that it was for Tasha. Hers was just one of many names that crossed my lips as I sought the source of the fear. It may have been for us who are left to mourn, and how we deal with the sorrow. I don't know.
God has disappointed me lately, in His actions or apparent non-action. I haven't kept the anger or the sorrow from Him but there's seems to be nothing to say to Him and so I've been pressed to silence. It doesn't make me deny His sovereignty it just makes me aware of how little I am compared to what He oversees. 'Where were you God' and 'what are you doing' has crossed my thoughts but I've resigned myself to the fact that He may not choose to tell me His purposes. That doesn't mean He is not involved in the process. There is no answer that would satisfy the loss enough to make it justified. Josh said 'she didn't deserve that, she just didn't deserve that'. I agree. God has a lot to answer for but have I been given the right to question Him?
The one who sets the stars in the sky, who created you and I, who ordered life for us and then gets to chose when that life as we know it ends, doesn't have to give an explanation for what He allows or does not allow. Tasha's death probably has nothing to do with any of us who are left behind to mourn for her. It is what God has decided it is.
The fact is that the bright and beautiful may cease to shine while the ugly and the thoughtless persevere. I believe that Tasha dances in heaven and shares her laughter and her joy with those who are there and that they take great delight in her. Even as we did here but with much more time to enjoy it than we ever did.
3 comments:
Such a beautiful post.
I pray that you continue to allow questions in sorrow, that you do not fear obedience the next time you feel compelled to pray, and that the star you write of... so ancient... will be a marker for you of stability when it feels like none exists.
Peace...
Tempted and tried, we're oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all the day long,
While there are others living about us,
Never molested, though in the wrong.
Refrain
Farther along we'll know all about it,
Farther along we'll understand why;
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine,
We'll understand it all by and by.
When death has come and taken our loved ones,
It leaves our home so lonely and drear,
Then do we wonder why others prosper
Living so wicked year after year.
Refrain
Farther along we'll know all about it,
Farther along we'll understand why;
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine,
We'll understand it all by and by.
Faithful til death, said our loving Master
A few more days to labor and wait,
Toils of the road will then seem as nothing
As we sweet through the beautiful gate.
Refrain
Farther along we'll know all about it,
Farther along we'll understand why;
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine,
We'll understand it all by and by.
When we see Jesus, coming in glory,
When He comes from His home in the sky,
Then we shall meet Him in that bright mansion,
We'll understand it all by and by.
Refrain
Farther along we'll know all about it,
Farther along we'll understand why;
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine,
We'll understand it all by and by.
beautiful Sue. Wonderful and thoughtful post.
"There is no answer that would satisfy the loss enough to make it justified." - Sue
no, no there isn't but it doesn't stop us from asking, from seeking. From blaming, from being silent. You were used that night. You prayed for her and that is a gift in itself. I am sure she must be dancing and one day you will meet again. The hurt may not stop for a long time. It may not stop at all. I think it is ok to feel the disappointment. I think we are meant and made to feel that. It has obviously gotten you pondering and has you deep in thought. I blamed. I think God is prepared for that. Didn't Jesus blame or something when He was on the cross? Asked why He was doing it. My point is that none of us know and none of us may ever know. Honestly, I agree with Josh. She didn't deserve it. Not at all. I think you are allowed to question Him. He will give you the answers, maybe not in this life time but He will. He must. No she didn't deserve it at all but it makes you wonder what is going to come from it? Sad that it had to be her and painful.
HUGS
And I really hope I made some sort of sense........
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