As time passes I am forced to accept my own humanity, my own ability to fail. You would think at 44 that I would have it all figured out by now. I'm sure others around me have. Haven't they?
I was putting some potatoes in the oven to roast,trying to avoid dirtying another dish by topping the meatloaf that was already in straight from the ketchup bottle. It's a complicated recipe, I know, I have a son who's a chef. Anyway, I was also being lazy and didn't want to actually take the meatloaf out of the oven so was upending the bottle with my head down in front of the open door. Of course the phone rang. Murphy's law in action. It was the chiropractors office calling to rebook the appointment I missed because someone, (me) erased the blackboard with the information, so then I missed the appointment. She graciously let me choose a date and time, which I promptly forgot as I moved the three feet to the blackboard to write it down, one more time. Of course I repeated it back to her wrong, she laughed, and asked me if she caught me at a bad time. 'You just got me with my head in the oven.' Realizing as I'm talking what I'm saying, 'You'll can rest assured it's not working though, because my oven's electric not gas.'
She caught on that I was kidding, gave her a good laugh. She said there are places she could refer me to. Yup, I know of a few of those places. I had to laugh at that because she really has no clue where I work. There's always an aspect of truth in the funniest situations. I've probably said this before but I think sometimes that there should be video of our lives, like the Truman Show, mine would be very entertaining at times.
In all honesty though, I've had a bad week. I'm so thankful for friends who I can call or email and say here's what's happening do you have any wisdom for me? Or just pray for me. Going into work on Sunday night I was able to connect with my dear friend Darlene. She knows what it is to loose someone you love and could cry with me for a moment and reassure me that God had a plan in mind and would give me what I need to get through it.
And that's what troubles me, (and you thought there wasn't a point to this blog, I'm just taking the long route in getting there.) It seems that as I get older I should have it all figured out. That I shouldn't mourn anymore like I used to. That things shouldn't grieve me like they do because I would be wise enough to see these situations coming and not allow myself to get into them.
Back when I was a kid and fighting with my best friend, (sometimes I feel like that was only yesterday), the come back with the greatest power to hurt was, 'Well you're not my friend anymore.' It seems that I'm not so far from that even today. You say to me I'm not your friend, and it hurts, it hurts deeply. I want to say to that woman in the mirror 'grow up!, you're not eight anymore!' The fact is that there are certain places here on the net and even here in my town that I can't go because it hurts too much to see that I'm not your friend anymore. And when I do gather up the courage to try I am reminded again that I am not your friend anymore.
Darlene reminded me that the sorrow is a gift that comes with the love.
This devotional came to my inbox this morning.
NACR Daily Meditation for Wednesday, Feb 21, 2007
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.Matthew 5:4
Jesus pronounced a blessing on people who are courageous enough to
grieve. Nothing could be more surprising than this. When we grieve, we often feel like spiritual failures. But God sees things differently. From God's perspective, mourning is valued. It is an occasion for blessing. It comes with the opportunity for comfort.
To be comforted is to be held in the safety of arms you trust. To be
comforted is to weep and rage in the company of someone who loves us. The hard edges of the pain are soothed. Strength and hope return in some measure. Healing begins.
Grieving is a commitment to the hard work of facing reality and allowing ourselves to feel the full range of emotions God has given us. It is painful work. But it is work that is blessed by God.
Father of comfort,
you are my refuge and strength,
my help in times of trouble.
Were it not for your faithfulness,
I would hide from my pain.
I would choose not to see my losses.
I would not be able to face what has happened.
Man of sorrow, teach me to grieve.
Give me the courage to mourn
so that I can be comforted.
Amen.
1 comment:
I think we allow ourselves to get close to situations, whether they will hurt us in the long run or not because that is how God created us. He created us to feel. To show others where we are at in life. To be vulnerable to them in hopes it may help others in the long run.
It hurts. It hurts every single time. There is no band aid that will heal it. There will be moments when we all of a sudden remember that pain. Remember that hurt. It sucks. It sucks bad.
"That things shouldn't grieve me like they do because I would be wise enough to see these situations coming and not allow myself to get into them."
you are a very wise woman. You also have a big heart. God has created you as a gift to so many. I am sorry that you get hurt along the way but thankfully God gives you those that you talk about to lean upon. I think that we will always "allow" ourselves to be vulnerable, to get into the situations in hopes that it may not happen this time like it did the time before. Or that this time we can make a difference.
I am sure I make absolutely no sense! But I hope you get what I am getting at.
I look at you and I know that there is a lot I can learn from you. Thank you for being that friend. For taking those chances. For making impacts on lives.
LOVE YOU
BIG HUGS.....
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