I've reached a writers block.
Not because I don't know what to say but because what I 've been thinking about is not easy to write on. God has been leading me down some old paths, probably so that I can redirect and find some healing. It's hard though. I often think I've dealt with all this already what more can I possibly do?! Corene was saying to me last night that God is such a gentleman He would never take more than we can give at the time. He loves us so much though, that he is relentless in his care for us. Spiritual surgery. Ouch. As we come to understand Him and his love we are able to reach for more healing in areas of tenderness. I want that too, to know more of Him. The hunger for more of Him keeps returning. The great thing about that is there is always more of Him to have.
Such a wave of sadness came over me the other day after church. I know what it was, something Scott said, about forgiveness. I'm beginning to hesitate about going to church these days. I know something is going to come at me, make me see that I need to change. Just when I've sorted myself out from last weeks message. I'm sitting there and in my head I'm saying, 'but..but ...but..' The wave hits me and I think where does this come from, I had thought it was gone. You don't know what you are asking of me, you don't the half of what my pain is. You can't imagine the roads it has taken me on! Makes me want to run, or hit something or someone! I'm frozen as I cry. Meanwhile I can hear God saying, "Do you want to know me more? Then hear my voice, trust me.' , because He knows.
He knows the rejection, each moment of sorrow, every pain, every wound. He wants to give me beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning. I take comfort in that. As Susan says the garbage has to be consumed so that there is nothing but the ashes, no cinders that can spark another fire. He has to excise the wound where the infection has set in. It's painful as I go through the process but I look forward to the result. All I can say is bring me through it Lord. I need a gentleman in my life.
3 comments:
we all need to burn up the cinders in our lives. its amazing to me how they can smolder for sometimes years, we think they are out but they are not. they flare up again. God please burn up all the cinders in my life. i don't want to live there anymore.
doesn't sound like writer's block to me... painful to read, but important to hear.
There's pain I like, like salt in a canker, followed by an adrenaline rush, and pain I don't, like pulling a sliver out of an infected foot...This is the latter...That's a great analogy, spiritual surgery.
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