Forgiveness

I've been thinking a lot about my Dad. He's been gone now for 17 years and I still miss him very much. It's days like today while we were taking down our old deck that he will come to mind. He was what you would call a Jack of all Trades. He would have loved to be in the midst of all that demolition. He would also know exactly how to build the new deck. He could do most things well. Dad was born with a club foot and by todays standards would have been considered disabled, but he never would have considered that of himself. He always did what he had to in order to take care of his family, including moving to a different country. My parents emmigrated from the Netherlands before I was born. He worked in a sugar factory, was a shoemaker, cabinetmaker, finishing carpenter, started two of his own businesses. If Dad started a project in the house he worked at it until it was completely finished. If you needed help in your home with some carpentry he would do it without question of payment. If he had the means to get something special for any of his kids he was always generous to a fault. My brother wanted a fish tank at one time, he was thinking about 10 gallons or so. My dad came home with a tank three times that size!
I am the youngest in my family of five children, the second girl. Mom always says I was his favorite but I never would have known it by his actions. I think I could make him laugh better than the others could. I felt like that was my role in my family. You see my father was an alcoholic. He wasn't abusive or anything, he was just very sad sometimes. For years I believed I wasn't affected by the disease but now know differently. I hated the alcohol, and anyone who would use it. It disgusted me. I saw him as loving the drink more than he loved us. It made my mother unhappy and made his children lose respect for him. My disgust was complete when I found out he was addicted to pornography too. I didn't hold anything back when I voiced my disgust for him to his face. Considering my rejection of him it is not surprising then that he would reject me in disgust more than once.
Before he passed away I hadn't spoken to my Dad for about 10 months. When I would call home and he would answer the phone he would just say, 'Wait, I'll get your mother." We were called to come quick Christmastime of 1987, he was dying of cancer. We got to mom and dad's place on boxing day in the afternoon. He was gone by three that morning.
There have been several blogs about forgiveness lately. I think about how wonderful it would be to sit down with my Dad and talk about forgiveness. I understand him now as I never did then. I am ashamed of how I treated him, ashamed that I was so black and white. I wish I could tell him today that I love him. Tell him that I see him now as God must. Who he was has influenced so much of who I am today. I know now that it was good for me to be his child, that God chose the perfect earthly father for me. I did tell him so when he was dying but I know he didn't believe me. I didn't really believe it myself at the time but I didn't want him to die without having said that to him. I knew that I would work toward forgiveness. It was my promise to him.
After he was gone I had a dream that he came back to visit us. In my dream he came around the side of the house like he had been waiting just for me. He hugged me like he hadn't for years. In my dream I was so happy to see him but sad because I knew he couldn't stay. I feel that dream was God's gift of forgiveness for me from my dad.
I know that forgiveness is almost a daily thing. It doesn't happen and then everything is great after that. It's an on going process, at least it is for me. The hardest person to forgive is myself. I wish that I could just lay it down and leave it behind, walk away. I'm not sure I know how. The hurt and the rejection does not just disappear because I say the words. I know that God loves me and accepts me regardless of my sin but....it's more than that. Is it even possible to live without it? It's all just so complicated, easy to say but not so easy to live.