Waiting....hoping.

Advent.

Today is the first sunday of Advent. We light the candle of hope.

Advent is waiting for something. I'm hoping today for something....but what?

I'm trying to get out of my head all the negative thinking that has taken up space there. Trying to be more positive. I friend said to me the other day that one of the things she liked about me was that I was always level, not prone to manic moods of ups and downs. I would agree that is normally how I would be but lately I've not been myself. I'm fragile, broken and very vulnerable. I'm not as likely to respond in the ways I have in the past.

As I was going through all the negative thoughts that I have and trying to turn them around into something positive and more resembling of the truth it occurred to me that a lot of what I believe has to do with the hope we have in Christ. The hope that all of this struggle and all of this sorrow we experience is not what He has planned for us but only the road that we travel to get there.

Circling the drain like I have been it's difficult to even believe that much. I just want to pick up the phone and call a friend. To use my 'get out of jail (trouble) free' card. The fact is that I've ripped the top off the box and let the light shine full on all the things I was hiding there. I've taken off the mask and said out loud, "I don't like the way this is and I want it to change, and I'm willing to go through pain and sorrow to find that something that I hope for." In many ways I feel like I'm mid-fall. I've stepped off the cliff and haven't yet landed, so I can't tell if I'm going to land hard, or softly touch down.

Today even hope is a stretch.

But I hope....and I wait...and I cling to Christ.