standing alone

When I was a girl, being the youngest, it was expected of me to be complacent and easy going at all times. Strong emotions of any sort were frowned on. I was there to keep the peace, to entertain, to be seen, admired sometimes but not to take attention. My mother was emotionally fragile and my father was an alcoholic. Not abusive but not available either.
I learned that I would have acceptance if I was steady. They would accept affection and kindness but nothing else. Then i was sent to my room to work out my emotions on my own and come out again when I was done.
Quite honestly, it is what we do to all children. Be good, be nice, don't yell, don't cry, don't get angry. We never really teach them how to process the negative stuff. The message we get is that we are only lovable when we are pleasant to be around. We become so successful at wearing the mask that as adults we can even fool ourselves into thinking everything is fine, when deep down inside it really isn't.
We like to hang around with people who say what we want to hear, don't hold us accountable, wear the mask just as successfully as we do.
Our friends will accept all the encouragement we can give but will scatter to the winds if we happen to give off a bad odor. Real and raw, no way! How often do we hear the words, 'I will be there for you.' or 'I love you no matter what.' only to find that there really are few friends who will see you through to the other side of the cess pool you are slogging through. They don't want to get dirty, and I don't blame them for not wanting to. I think we fool ourselves when we promise friendship without conditions. There are always conditions.
I have learned to be alone through the hard stuff. At the age of 7 I stood up to the man who molested me, as a young woman I carried a child alone, as a young wife I guarded my husbands secret to spare his integrity. That I married an emotionally distant man is not a surprise. (We are working on that.) The reality is that God stood with me because He wanted me to know that He and I could face anything together. I thought that the little girl who had to go to her room to gather herself together could finally share her emotions with others. God is saying no, He still wants me to come to Him, just like I always have. I can share with others but they will disappoint me, or turn away on occasion, just like when I was a little girl.
What I am looking for in my friends and who I would like to be for them, is someone who really will accept no matter what. I don't care if you have a disease, bad breath, body odor. If you have done something you regret, it won't turn me away. I don't care if you did piss off the Mission bridge in broad daylight. (nobody did) If you swear like a logger when you're angry. Or cry when you should be strong. Whatever! Even when you reject me I will not reject you.
I will stand alone when I have to. It has been my experience most often. That's okay, I'm really not complaining. Just stating a fact. But when I say that I will be your friend through something tough I intend to see it through to the other side. Maybe we can learn to be better friends to each other when we see how God is such a constant friend to us.

Your cup of grace is deeper than
Is deeper than the ocean
You strong embrace is wider than
Is wider than the sky

Jesus, my heart cannot break enough
for your love
a well that runs deep within my soul

You perfect words go further than
Go further than tomorrow
And when my world shakes you pull me through
You pull me through the storm
Spirit Waltz - Something Like Silas