Truth.

I haven't been blogging for a while now. My dad always said if you have nothing positive to say it's better to say nothing at all. It's interesting that he married a person who could be so negative in the most subtle ways. Always swore I would not be like my mom. If I took her out to the garden to show her what I had been working on she would be sure to mention all the work still undone. Nothing can escape her criticism. The thing is she does not feel she is being critical, only helpful. You may not have noticed the weeds growing along the side of the house. It was her job to point them out to you so that next time she came you would have that done too. The words, ' You should fix that.' aren't critical unless you read them to mean, 'What's the matter with you girl, don't you see that needs to be fixed. You must be stupid, it's as plain as the nose on your face. Sheesh!' They always say that as a person ages their character traits intensify. It's true.
So here I am feeling anger and resentment, bitter at a turn of events that I have no control over. Abandoned. Trying to trust that God has everything under control. (He always has before, why should it be any different now?) And the counselor in me recognizes that my anger is just the secondary emotion to my deep sadness. I find that I am unable to come out from under the cloud that has been following me. Feel used up, fighting that shadow of my mother who sees the negative instead of the positive. And I hate being that person.
I have had the deep desire to run away for quite a while now. Have fought it. Given up opportunities to get away, recognizing that I couldn't run at that time but had to see some things through to completion. That's done now, or my part in it is. I'm emptied out, nothing left to give or contribute. At least not in a positive way. Tired of doing the right thing. Tired of loving. Tired of being available because I can be strong when others are weak.
It's a stinking attitude to have. So it's a good thing that I am going away to Costa Rica. Maybe I can hide out there for a little while. (hahaha, certainly couldn't last time.) Maybe God will meet me there and renew my mind and my heart. Maybe I can rest in His love for a while and be refreshed. Maybe when I return I can be useful to Him again. Maybe I can learn how to love again.
Well, there it is. Not very positive, but very honest about where I am at right now. At least now you'll know how to pray.