A new way to walk.

Had an epiphany this morning....early this morning...because that's when God really seems to get through to me. In the early hours of the morning, in the dark when everyone else is sleeping, or should be. No distractions, no one asking for my attention, just Him and me. I really need to learn to pay attention in other parts of my day so that I can actually sleep during the nights. (Sleep...that's what I'm aiming for; sleep at night...what a concept.) I do my best (and my worst) thinking at night.
It occurred to me that for all the time that I have been a christian, and in spite of the fact that I should know better by now, I still let 90% of my actions be dictated by the fear of rejection. That sucks because then it affects 90% of my relationships too. I don't like being that way. I certainly don't treat other people that way. So why do I continue it. It comes down to the mistake that I make in my thinking. Believing that no one would really want a relationship with me. Least of all the creator of the universe.
Scott and Susan have talked about this many times, and I think that I've battled the problem through to a resolution many times. Then in the dark of the night when God talks to me He reminds me again that although I've accepted His love for others, I haven't quite accepted it for me. I've doubted Him again. I have to come before Him again and ask His forgiveness for that and more.
Some how I've allowed the actions of the people in my life who are important to me, but who in the end are just human, dictate to me how God feels about me. When it's just me and Him, sitting by His throne, then it is all about just me and Him. There's no one else that matters there in that moment. His love is all for me. For you too, when you are there with Him. The actions of those few are meaningless in the light of His love for me. Not my spouse, not my children, not my friends. I know that to be true, others have reminded me, He has reminded me. When then, do I begin to live my life based on that fact instead of the lie that I am unworthy?
Our pastors asked us last week to write on a piece of paper something that we need to give over to God. We were to write it down and then burn it or save it or eat it if that works for us. But to let it go. They must wonder sometimes if we as a congregation are really listening to what they say. I know I am, I don't need to pick up a piece of paper to do it, I just need a week to process it. To really make the actions meaningfull to me. So this is what I am giving to Him; to live my life with the belief that I am completely acceptable to Him. To live in the freedom of His love, to dance, or sing or laugh or shout with the joy of that love. To not let the circumstances or relationships that are important to me sway that belief in any way. I know I won't get it right all the time, but to get it right more often than I do now would be a step in the right direction. I know I will experience rejection, legitimate or otherwise, that's okay. I am going to accept for myself what I have always accepted for others. You can hold me accountable for it.